Foreword on toxic relationships and narcissistic perverts

We welcome you to your new book of the Zen Attitude collection - "Free yourself from toxic relationships - All you need to know to deal with narcissistic personalities and rebuild yourself" - a simple and practical guide that, we hope, will help you know the steps to take in order to get out of a toxic relationship, especially with a narcissistic pervert.

I have been wanting to write a book on toxic relationships for a long time, and especially on the narcissistic perverts... For years, I have dealt with victims of this kind of persons and their distress and suffering have always had echoes in me...

This book is written not only for the victims of the narcissistic perverts, but also for friends or people who know victims of narcissistic perverts or who are entangled within a toxic relationship and who want to help these victims to get out of their relationship.

I preferred to name my book "How to get out of a toxic relationship" because this kind of relationship exists even with people who are not narcissistic perverts. Even though the book focuses mostly on this type of personality - how to identify it, how to protect yourself from it and understand how it works - techniques for getting out of a toxic relationship  can be used regardless of the personality that induces such distortions. It is the same “rescue process” for the important stage of self-reconstruction since any victim of a toxic relationship is weakened, vulnerable and confused.

Let's start by asking ourselves the question: What is a healthy relationship?

Whether it's love, friendship, family or work, a healthy relationship is:

• a balanced exchange of feelings of love expressed in words (the phrase "I love you" must not be missing or in any case, for those who have difficulty expressing their feelings in words having to pronounce this phrase should not be a problem);
• a deep mutual respect;
• an equitable sharing of daily life activities, as well as hobbies, passions, joys and sorrows, past stories, deep feelings, etc.;
• a mutual help and moral support, both in the trials of life and in past traumas;
• a genuine listening and real communication;
• a permanent encouragement and support in the realization of personal and professional projects;
• a warm long-term agreement with few conflicts - even if they may exist, conflicts do not degenerate when they occur within a healthy and harmonious relationship;
• the inexistence of blackmail of any kind.

A toxic relationship is a relationship that is not healthy, tormenting and painful. As you will have understood, a toxic relationship is one for which one or more elements mentioned above are lacking.

What a narcissistic pervert is?

"Narcissistic pervert" is a term that has been used more and more recently. Nevertheless, it is good that a name can be put on this type of personality and that people are beginning to have a growing interest in this kind of distortion or deviation of the personality since this kind of people has been generating victims for a very long time, both among women and men.

Throughout this book I will talk about the victim and the narcissistic pervert (NP) or the manipulator, but of course both can be women as well as men.

I have to admit that I did not know this term in the past, even if I knew very well about toxic relationships and the damage they can have on people who are prisoners in this kind of relationships. I learned it from a victim during her liberation process from the narcissistic pervert. Since then, I have begun to study it further, to do extensive research in order to confirm my knowledge collected over time, during my experiences with victims of toxic relationships. I also learned more than I knew and will share all of this information with you within this little guide.

The narcissistic perverts are a “subspecies” of the human race, which sadly counts many members in our society, who manage to cause considerable damages and pain to the preys they have decided to vampirize. Although such people have existed on earth since time immemorial, the modern term of narcissistic perversion perversion is defined as "a defense mechanism that consists of an overvaluation of oneself at the expense of others". Actually, I do not really agree with this definition, since I do not consider the narcissistic perversion as "a defense mechanism" ...

You will understand throughout the book that the narcissistic pervert does not defend himself, but attacks. Fiercely. Precisely. With patience and planning.

If you bought this book as a paperback, avoid letting it in palin vue. It will catch the attention of your partner and will be tipped off and alert him/her. A narcissistic pervert knows what is likely to jeopardize his grip/hold. S/He monitors her/his victim, searches her bag, his belongings, reads her mails, texts, etc. All of this without leaving any trace and without raising the slightest suspicion. So be very careful where you put this book (preferably hidden or locked somewhere) and when you read it (not in his/her presence!). You will find in the chapter about tools and at the end of the book some tricks and strategies to avoid the risk of being unmasked.

In this book, I will not focus on the definition or theory of narcissistic perversion. I am going to focus only on the victims of the narcissistic perverts because I started writing this guide in order to help them get out of their toxic relationship that imprison and destroy them, little by little, inexorably. I know from personal experience the immensity of the damage that the narcissistic perversion causes to a victim. I am writing this book, hoping to help at least a few of these victims, by allowing them to identify a narcissistic pervert, to protect himself/herself from this person, to give them tools to be able to leave a toxic relationship with such a person and to rebuild himself /herself so they can get their lives back...

Although I am not a psychoanalyst, I have been very interested and passionate by this field and I almost became one at some point in my life. However, I chose to abandon this project, because the world of psychoanalysis, like that of other bodies of health professionals, is too rigid and regulated and end up, sometimes and in some countries, betraying the goal of these professions, which is to help human beings feel and live better. Therefore, I chose to dedicate myself to my passion - helping human beings - especially those in distress and trapped in destructive relationships.

Thus, throughout my life, I have had the opportunity to meet many people imprisoned in toxic relationships, victims of narcissistic perverts, and even managed to help some of them to get out of these relationships that were destroying them and made them very unhappy, by robbing from themselves all the joy of living. It is true that it is only recently that I discovered that this type of personality was designated under the name of "narcissistic pervert" but I have been around them for a long time. Confronted also in my life with these kinds of personalities, and because I have cultivated empathy for a long time, it is often quite easy for me to detect emotional distress in the Other. It is true that it is much more difficult to realize that this distress, this deep misfortune and malaise are due to a toxic relationship which the person is actually experiencing in his/her life. It requires attention and patience.

Human relationships are complex and often complicated. This is why I always take the time to listen, to seek and try to understand, to investigate the causes of this distress before initiating any "building site". The term "building site" can shock you, because it is crude and rough, but it is very adapted to human relationships since everything is constructed and destroyed as well within a person as in relationships with others.

I have to confess that I have done a lot of "building sites" in my life, some of which were very laborious and cost me a lot from my inner energy, but it was well worth the effort to release victims of their toxic relationships. I have rarely managed to help people in a detached, "professional" way. I get attached and I have deep feelings when I start "human building sites"... Therefore, I think I would not have made a good shrink :-) because a psychologist or psychoanalysis should not get emotionally involved with his patients. But as far as I am concerned, I got involved emotionally with almost every person I could help getting out from toxic relationships. I think that even if at first sight this involvement could be detrimental to the "building site", in fact, I could see that having deep and sincere feelings for the people I helped, allowed me to overcome the sometimes deep suffering caused by some of these people towards me, without losing sight of the ultimate goal of my intervention or accompaniment: setting her/him free.

If you are reading this book to help someone getting out from a toxic relationship, then you will have to shield yourself emotionally and muster a large dose of determination. Throughout this book, you will have the opportunity to glean some advice in order to accomplish those pre-requirements.

As I told you before, this human "subspecies" - the narcissistic perverts - is made up of people who, at first sight, seem charming and kind, but who, in their relations with their victim(s) are true "grinding machines".

Before starting to get to the heart of the...